day one

On our first day in London, we went to The Imperial War Museum. We would have gone anyway, because our current living situation involves a lot more glorifying of war than I would like, but the visit came with the added bonus of Once Upon a Wartime, featuring five children’s books, War Horse, The Machine Gunners, The Silver Sword, Little Soldier (with which I was not familiar but have since read it, and think you should too) and, one of my most favourite childhood books, Carrie’s War. I was tragically in love with stories of the evacuation as a child, and also with all of Nina Bawden’s books which I must have read hundreds of times each.

‘But I want to see this first,’ Youngest said as we passed through the auditorium across to the exhbition. ‘I don’t want to go to a boring old exhibition.’

I should have anticipated this, because it is a captivating room, filled with rockets and tanks and, since I was last here, the melted wreck of a car bombed in Baghdad. With a glass ceiling, two or three stories above, there is more light and air than you might expect.

My youngest child’s response reminded me that on my first visit here, I stood in the entrance of this auditorium and texted my father, the type of left-wing history teacher with whom John Howard held such little truck. He, my father, had gone home from hospital by then, recovering not so much from his first surgery, but from its long list of increasingly dramatic and spectacular complications. Neither his life, nor my trip, had, even a week before, been certain. The words of the text are long since lost.

Inside the exhbition, the lads sketched horses and swords and then we stood, the three of us, in front of the machine gun which is light enough for children to hold (gratuitous link to control arms campaign here). Eldest drew it in his journal and wrote underneath, ‘I don’t like it.’

We arrived, after the stories exhibition, and after drawing a bomb, and after the submarine, at The Trenches Experience. ‘You wait here if you like,’ I said to Eldest and pointed to the chair. ‘I think that’s a good idea,’ he said and sat.

We walked through the trenches, youngest lad holding my hand, until, back at his brother, he reported, ‘It stinks and its dark. You would have hated it.’

We stood in front of the dial which, each time it gets to the top, shows the death of another person from conflict. ‘I knew that would make you cry,’ eldeest lad said and took my hand.

We treated ourselves to lunch at the cafeteria. I had pea soup and the lads had pigs in blankets.

In the souvenir shop, they are selling combat fatigues that fit children and I suppose because I was taking a photograph of the display, the woman who was checking the sizes in reponse to her little boy’s ‘coooool’ smiled at me.

Forecast: fine, but cloudy

I let them pull the suitcases off the belt and arrange them on our trolley. They aren’t heavy. We have three jumpers between us and six pairs of trousers. Two years in Abu Dhabi have left us ill-equipped for winter trips.

‘We’ll catch the underground,’ I tell them. ‘Trains are much more fun than cars.’

‘We want to get a taxi,’ youngest says. ‘We prefer taxis.’

‘It’s cheaper on the underground,’ I say. ‘Faster too.’ I can’t do a sum to prove either of those things.

‘I always have a murky feeling in my heart when we land,’ eldest lad says and rubs his palm in circles on his chest. ‘Do you get that?’

I put my arm around his shoulder. He has grown so tall that he can almost rest his head on mine.

‘Don’t worry,’ I say. ‘We’ll be in our apartment soon. Before it’s even dark.’ I don’t tell him, ‘Yes, I do.’

We make our own fun

Did I tell you that these days the mister gets a text from the bank whenever I withdraw money or use my credit card? On account of, you know, it’s not my bank account. If the mister were to sign a No Objection Certificate I could get my own bank account, texts from which he would not receive. But the energy for setting up another bank account? Where would I getz it?

Sometimes, especially if I’ve done his ironing, the night before, the mister rings me after I’ve paid for my lunch but before I get to the car and says, ‘So, did you enjoy your lunch at Dome?’

Such larks, being man and wife.

Drats

With great surprise, I report that chocolate chips do not enhance this rock cake recipe.

(And I agree that in 2011, this is less of a blog post and more of a tweet or a facebook status update, but rescuetime has just reported that I’ve spent more than an hour on all distracting activities today, so I should best be avoiding facebook and twitter because, as I mentioned, I’ve got shit to do and visiting such sites will ensure that said shit is never shat.)

Since you were all so helpful last time

I am going to ask another question.

To those of you who get shit done (paintings painted, plays produced, frocks stitched, essays footnoted, gardens sculpted, projects generally conceived of then see through to the end), how do you do it?

Because myself, I have: determined what it is I want to achieve; written plans; started meditation; got up early; stayed up late; installed programmes that block my ‘most distracting’ websites; baked another cake; explored the flaws of my personality and the dark secrets of my past which underlie every moment of my self-sabotage; written it all out in pencil; written it in coloured markers; written it on whiteboards; written it on post-it notes; bought another set of folders in a shade to match the drawers; finished the laundry; ignored the laundry; re-examined my goals; asked myself what it is I want to be remembered for; given myself a stern talking to; stopped drinking; started drinking; stopped drinking again; even, from time to time sat down and done something that isn’t faffing about on the internet. And I still have pretty much fuck* all to show for my time. Unless you count the shitload of dishes that all this baking is creating. (And don’t say, ‘But you’ve got the cakes’. The cakes have disappeared long before the dishes are done).

*Sorry, I know some of you swear less than I do, in fact prolly most of you swear less than I do. I’m trying to cut down, truly I am.

It’s not quite one place, but it’s not the other neither

One day, when I was trawling the internet for previously unknown information about myself* I found a review of a journal in which I had been published. The reviewer summarised my piece thusly: “Tracy Crisp on Dubai”. For a few days after I read that I was somewhat annoyed at the injustice of being reviewed in a somewhat dismissive tone by someone who hadn’t even read the piece closely enough to notice that I live in Abu Dhabi and had not once, in the entire piece, even mentioned Dubai, but what can you do, and life goes on, and I’m pretty sure I won’t be needing therapy to recover from the experience. Call the wah!mbulance and so forth.

While I have recovered from the injustice of it all, I am reminded of that review every time I go to Dubai, because the trip never fails to do my head in, and I find Dubai even more incomprehensible than I find Abu Dhabi (sorry if incomprehensible is an absolute state, of which ‘even more’ isn’t, technically, possible, but if you want to argue the toss about it, I challenge you to come and stay for a while, and I will take you down to Dubai, and then we’ll see what you think).

The distance between our house and the first place you might want to get to in Dubai is about 130 kilometres and the trip takes anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half depending on who is driving. The drive is mostly along Sheikh Zayed Road, four lanes each way (eight in all).

Sheikh Zayed Road is home to the world’s largest traffic accident. It’s on youtube if you want to see a 200 car pileup. I’m not linking to it. I try not to think too much about the accident side of things because the mister makes the trip a couple of times each week, and it doesn’t do to dwell on things.

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So much for SMART goals (achievable, realistic and so on).

The difference between the two cities is simply described as the difference between Canberra and the Gold Coast. Abu Dhabi being Canberra and Dubai being the Gold Coast. If Canberra had more money and the Gold Coast had more steroids. But this doesn’t really do the difference descriptive justice.

I have spent a lot of time trying to think about how I could describe what it is that distinguishes Abu Dhabi from Dubai, but it’s going to take a bit more work. I’m having trouble with it, probably because I’m trying to describe degrees of incomprehension.

For now, all I can really say is this:

it’s not so much that in Abu Dhabi you wouldn’t see the world’s tallest building
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.
an indoor ski field
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or go through a gate to get to a mall that traces the steps of Ibn Battuta:
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.

No, no, that hole leads to Atlantis, this is the one that gets you to the lands of Ibn Battuta (sorry):
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.
And it’s not so much that you wouldn’t see a shop that specialises in pink camels
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.
or, erm, these
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it’s just that in Abu Dhabi you don’t.

..

*side conversation had during the composition of this blog post
‘Have you ever googled yourself?’
‘No.’ True and actual surprise on his face at the very thought.
‘I only asked you to confirm what I already knew.’
Seriously, that man is so fucking well-balanced it wouldn’t surprise me to learn I’ve been living with one of Earth’s as-yet-undiscovered magnetic poles.

Advice, freely dispensed

Every year at Adelaide Fringe and Festival time the searches for nutri grain nuts and bolts and ‘slow as a wet wig’ diminish in proportion to the number of searches for ‘jokes about Adelaide’ and ‘Adelaide jokes’. I suspect not all of these searches are by visiting comedians, but include a fair smattering of writers rewriting the first paragraph or two of presentations they made at Edinburgh or New York; buskers and other street performers; the odd critic who wishes to sound informed in their dispatches back home.

I do think that rather than internet searches you’d be better off getting into town a day earlier and spending the time wandering around and reading the local ‘news’papers, but since you’ve come to me for advice, let me provide it.

Unless you can find a way to tell said joke with stunning originality, we find the following really boring:
– weird disappearances and murders;
– the one way freeway;
– the balls (easier to make funny in original way than some other subjects, but tricky nonetheless);
– Mike Rann (surely he’s put even himself to sleep by now);
– the pandas;
– our own boringness.

I’d offer you some suggestions, but I’ve been away for two years, and when I left we were all still making jokes about Nicole Cornes and water restrictions. Having said that, I think the bogans at the Clipsal 500 are still fair game, but that’s just me.