Today will have slipped into tomorrow before we know it

‘Yes, well,’ I said, ‘I’m not going to talk about it anymore. For all I know you’re right.’

It’s my Birthday Weekend. I don’t have to work through things if I don’t want to.

Also, could someone please put that block of perfectly-formed, gorgeously-wrapped, buttery-yellow, organically-expensive butter in the fridge before the dog manages to jump those extra few millimetres (straight up and down from a standing start on his back legs, entertaining if disconcerting) and grab it from the bench.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to the lounge to recover from yesterday evening’s over-indulgence, while the mister goes in to Harris Scarfe to buy a new vacuum cleaner. No, that’s not my birthday present. We have to replace the one that we used to replace that one that got destroyed by the bat guano.

And all of that for just eight cents a day

Alan Brough is playing brilliant music on my local ABC (and I suspect yours). Just now, he played something by the Front Lawn. I was listening to that when I lived in New Zealand, when all of my family – my grandfather, mother, father and brother – came to visit us and the mister and I moved our bed into the shed, because it was just a one-bedroom flat. And that’s the last time I saw my Mum.

That music really taken me to a different place. Do you know the place? The time? You know the feelings, I’m sure. When you think your body is filled with the spaces of people who aren’t there. But then you realise that really that space is more alive than any other part of you. These are the touches of relationships which were, and are, complex, but they’re the ones that have left you rich.

Nothing of significance beyond a lovely mango

Today, I have written and emailed to relevant persons, the draft of what is becoming a rather excellent paper. Since then, I have been reclining on the lounge, mourning the loss of Tendulkar, but still enjoying the breeze which is winding its way from the front door to the back door, which conveniently means it must pass my position on the couch.

I have eaten a most excellent fruit salad which was excellent because a. the mister made it and brought it to me and b. it included a rather lovely nectarine and one of the best mangoes I have ever eaten.

And I have, by means of Eldest Boy’s Nintendo DS, proved that my brain is bigger than his (bigger than the mister’s I mean – I would hope that my brain is bigger than seven-year-old’s, wouldn’t you?).

I am thinking of having a beer. I am hoping that when I express my wish for a beer, the mister will say ‘I”ll get it from you’. I am further hoping that he will then get one from the back fridge. The back fridge is still on since Christmas, and, because the back fridge does not get opened every two minutes by a hollow-legged boy, the beers contained within are particularly cold.

Normal blogging unlikely to resume anytime soon.

PS The people over the back fence appear to be having another party. They are most jolly-sounding affairs and make us feel a little old and slightly envious.

Thank you, the only way I know how

Yesterday, for the second time in a week, people we don’t know, and people we will probably never meet, saved our block of land. From bushfire. They were sleeping in tents and some of them were very far from home. I don’t know what they’ve missed while they’ve been away. Children’s concerts. Birthdays. End of year work shows. The others – the ones who live nearby – have been working to save a land they know intimately. Know and love. And all the while, we’ve been here in Adelaide, spooked by the smoke which reached us yesterday afternoon and the warnings on the radio and the distance which separates us from them. It’s a cliche, but Thank You doesn’t even begin.

If you go and look at the Country Fire Service (CFS) website, you will see that an extraordinary proportion of Kangaroo Island’s national parks has been burnt by the fires. You might not have heard much about them, but they have burning since the Thursday before last when lightning started a number of fires around the island. Only last night, the fires were declared contained.

Not many people live out near our place. We are on a stretch of undeveloped land, with blocks divided into twenty hectares (or acres – sorry, I’m hopeless with numbers) which are allowed to have one dwelling each. It’s at the end of a lot of dirt road and sandy track, and it doesn’t get the number of visitors that some other parts of the island do.

Until recently, our stretch was mostly owned by islanders who used the blocks for their own holidays, camping on them or building shacks, and just a couple of people living there. Then, over the last few years, a few of the blocks have come up for sale, and we were lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time. As it happens, we bought it from the grandparents of some very old friends with whom we had lost touch, and now we spend a few great days together every year. That’s what South Australia is like.

The dwelling on our block is a shack. It’s pretty much one room with no mains water and no mains electricity. We had a small gas hot water system connected to the shower (which is gravity fed, so has bugger-all pressure, but washes the day’s sand and grit away), and we’ve just had a couple of solar panels put on. It’s kind of camping without the edge and with permanent walls.

It – the block – came to us when there were some very difficult things going on. Over the last little while, while I have needed to take it easy, to slow things down, it has been there. There’s no mobile coverage, no internet. There are stars at night, hard-sand walks, and a seabreeze which soothes my soul and reminds me of the simpler days for which I yearn. (even though I know that I romanticise those days).

That block is my haven and the place of my dreams. It is where I will go to recover. To lick my wounds. We will live there one day, me and the mister. Our children will come and say to theirs ‘look, here’s the stairs in the tree we built with Dad’.

Of course, compared to the people who already do live there, or have been visiting there for twenty or thirty years, we wouldn’t lose that much. Dreams mostly. A couple of origami frogs Eldest Boy and I made at Easter time. The hammocks from Mexico. The Birthday Stick. That kind of thing. But we’ve got copies of pretty much all the photos, and I brought the journal back with me from our last trip. So, you know.

But in the last week, an astonishing amount has been lost.

The life of one young man who had a fiancee, a father, a mum. I don’t know him or his fiancee or his family. But you don’t need to know someone to understand the tragedy of his death. That’s one of the things I remember from when my mum died. All of the people who wrote to us, who didn’t know her or us, but still, they seemed to understand.

Other people’s blocks have burned. Land where they live and work. People’s livelihoods have been threatened.

And the land. The scrub, the bushes, the trees. Where do the wallabies go? The goannas. The bats.

If you do go and look at the CFS website, you’ll see it’s asking ‘is your family bushfire ready?’ We’ve always planned to go. We don’t have much choice. We’ve got a good clearing around our place, but we’ve got limited water, no water pressure, and we’ve only just had the solar power put on so we wouldn’t have a reliable pump. We’ve got two little children, and having really only one road out, we’d get no second chance. So even if we’d been there this last week, we’d be gone by now.

So, I’ve looked, from a distance, at those photos of the firefighters. And I’ve heard, through the newspapers, the voices of the people who have had heartbreaking decisions to make this week. I think of the young man and his family. I remember the day when we were living in the Hills, and the smell of smoke, and the fire engines racing down our street, and how I put things in a suitcase while I wondered ‘when exactly do I go?’ and ‘where?’.

I don’t have an insightful reflection on which to end. There don’t seem to be any conclusions. But there’s a lot of things to think.

and again

That question about the bone worked so well – thanks all, it really helped, because it all made sense – I thought I’d try another one. I mean, I’ve been asking it ever since I started blogging but thought I’d make it explicit just for now.

What should I do with my life? And how do you get rid of that vague feeling which descends from time to time – you know, the one that leaves you thinking ‘well, yes, that’s true, and yet…’. Do I just need to wait until I reach 41?

On the road from Carrickalinga to Adelaide

I wanted to show you this photo which I took on the trip home last Sunday after the last in a long string of this year’s Significant Family Events.

Each of these events has been emininently bloggable in it’s own way. Filled with life and family and the endless layers of being alive that such events encompass.

But none of them have been my story to tell. I have taken my own story to each event of course, and brought my own stories away. But they weren’t about me those days, and it’s one of the things we’re trying to teach my eldest boy, you can still be included and be on the side. They can’t have it without you, but it is theirs.

It’s one of the things about blogging, negotiating what’s yours to include and yours to leave out. So I’ve written about them in my journal. It was boynton, gave the advice that you should still keep a personal (offline) journal (apologies that I have got no idea where to start looking to find that particular entry, boynton), and I would say for me, it was excellent advice.

Which leaves you with only with this photo taken at the end of a most significant day. I made an effort with several other photos, and just snapped this. This is the one that sums things up the best because at the moment, there are two layers of life which can be separated, but can’t.

There is speed, but there is solidity; I am out of focus, but in control. There are sunsets, and sometimes they hold the light. There is Salvation Jane which is beautiful, but makes me sneeze and strangles the countryside. There is a horizon, but it’s skewed.

If you need me, I’m in the corner, wiping up dog wee.

despite the numb face


puppy

Originally uploaded by adelaide writer

…it was a great day

with a birthday feast for my Dad, with all of us happy for this happy birthday, in the shade on a warm day with a cool breeze; and cousins playing football and redefining pecking order as Eldest Boy has surprised us all with his Football Confidence; and them (Dad and partner) making sure there was something for everyone

and I finally made a chocolate and beetroot cake which the chocolate lovers loved, and I think next time I’ll add mascarpone cheese…

then home again to watch Port come in by a point, and all of us happy except Youngest Boy who didn’t find a pen in time to change his tips

and then to meet the puppy, and Youngest Boy, with eight small beagles scampering over his feet, saying over and over again ‘they’re a bit active, they’re a bit active’ and also ‘they’re biting each other, stop them biting each other’ and us ‘they’re just playing the same way you and your brother do’; and the Dog Lady watching Youngest Boy and asking us ‘does he talk like this all day’ and us, in unison ‘yes’, just as we always say; and as the mister said on the way home ‘you don’t go and see a puppy if you haven’t already decided you’ll get a dog’;

and last of all, planting the tree, in the place where the umbrella rose used to be, and we’ll have to water it with a bucket, but with all the people lopping down trees around here, we’ll be glad of the effort one day.

And, because there was birthday cake, this morning, there is cream left for my coffee, and so, despite the extra warmth and pollen in the wind, today will be good too.

While the mister and the other boy were at the birthday party

Having enjoyed three games of Connect 4 in the shade of the Queensland frangiapani (which has not flowered, so has not yet started to affect my sinuses) on the back lawn;

and having then suggested that we take our scooters for a ride;

and having had that suggestion gleefully accepted – ‘mum, you rock’;

and having scootered around the corner;

and down the street (‘who is having more fun’ the neighbours gleefully cry as they always do and it isn’t you, not really, because you don’t like the vibrations through your shoe and you worry for your boy, but you laugh back because it’s the neighbourly thing to do);

and through the park and past the skate park (‘one day I’d love to do that’ – ‘would you, we’ll see’);

and your heart sinks at the thought, the very thought, but one day he’ll have a skateboard and do things you won’t even know, but for now you scooter on;

across the railway line (the next train. to depart. from. platformfour will. now depart from…);

and down the street (gee, that dog gave me a fright);

and having chosen our DVDs (Jim Jarmusch retrospective for Sunday night now that Grey’s Anatomy is gone and ‘how about if you try one that I suggest and then you can choose whichever one you want, yes, The Lorax, that’s a good idea put back Over the Hedge‘);

and gone to the shop where they no longer sell the cream that was Moroccon Rose;

and having, while you are standing in line, your boy take you by the hand and rub your back and put his arm around you just as he did in the market this morning at the apple stall;

and then deciding you will go home through the school where your boy has swung across the monkey bars;

effortlessly;

after making the effort all year;

and your heart as warm as the day;

and follow-the-leader and dinosaur paws;

and having then scootered around that great big square and wasn’t that the bitumen they had at your own school and you have heard the echo of basketball bounces past and goodness me isn’t life sometimes all it’s supposed to be;

and having then gone back the way you have come;

until you are back at the corner where you – the adult, the grown woman, having, it is true, more fun than the child, or at the very least as much as he – stacked your scooter;

and felt your chin scrape;

and your tooth (the one that’s already chipped), hit the ground with a thunk;

and your nose;

and grit in your eye;

and isn’t it silly the things you think, but it’s true, these trousers aren’t old and they weren’t cheap and they’re black and you don’t have that many clothes and there will be a hole in the knee;

and having seen that your boy, already safely home, but wondering where you are, come back to the gate to see you limping home, and saying ‘mum…your nose…there’s blood’;

and, you, not crying in front of him, and he:

can I watch a DVD;

and you:

applying your own betadine.