Category: being

I think we’ll visit the castle tomorrow

I was doing the dishes and listening to a radio programme about Muriel Spark and her new biography.

I had forgotten that Muriel Spark’s son lived with her parents. The biographer explained this by saying something along the lines of, ‘She couldn’t do the kind of writing she wanted to do and look after him’.

And that was interesting, because just that morning I’d been writing in my diary about the conflict between the two things I’m trying to combine – firstly, putting on a show; and secondly, showing my boys some of the world.

The conflict between being a writer and being a mum.

I don’t want this to be a conflict. In fact, one of the appeals of coming to Edinburgh was the opportunity to immerse my boys in my ‘work’. (For now, let’s leave aside definitions of work, and whether or not this counts towards my ‘career’ and whether or not you have to make a living from it in order for it to count as work). When I was deciding whether or not coming to Edinburgh was a good use of some very precious funds, I looked on it as a chance – probably a once-in-a-lifetime chance – to show my boys that life can be filled with all sorts of bits and pieces and in all sorts of different ways (though at the same time, reminding them – constantly – how bloody lucky they are – again, another post for another day).

My wish to show them this side of me (my ‘work’) is probably closely related to my current obsession with validating the contribution that I make to my relationship and to my family. Which is fuelled by all sorts of things. Ego; and becoming an orphan; and turning 40; and waking up and finding myself an expat wife; and having no career to speak of; oh, and being middle class enough to have the luxury of obsessing over such things.

But I do obsess over it, and that obsession has been exacerbateted by our move to Abu Dhabi where the mister and I have roles that are even more gender-defined than they were at home. I worry at the ‘example’ I set my children. I worry (and the mister does too) that our children see – that they live – such a gender-specific life where the mister goes out to work and I pick the kids up from school.

But it’s funny, because if we hadn’t moved to Abu Dhabi, I never would have come and put on my own show. I would have looked at Edinburgh, from Adelaide, and thought, ‘How could I do that with children? Just how?’

Like I said a few posts ago, when I did start thinking about doing this, I really had no idea how I was going to make it work, bringing the lads along. But like I also said, bringing them here was no harder than any other plan for being away from Abu Dhabi. And in the end it worked out okay, because the mister can get a few weeks off and he’ll be here soon and he won’t be missing his connecting flight (I’ve forgiven him for it, I really have).

But my goodness it’s up and down, polishing a script and rehearsing and looking after little boys who, even when they’re quiet, are pretty loud. Yesterday morning, the two things that I’m trying to be right now – a writer and a mother – were completely incompatible.

I needed, more than I needed anything else, to work through my script. To look at it word by word, to reassure myself it was finished, to immerse myself in it just a little bit more (I’m sure that sounds wanky, and I do apologise for that). To get this work done I woke up early, kept telling my children to ‘put the television back on’ and let them ladle sugar on their weetbix.

Perhaps they got wind of my urgency, because they co-operated by burrowing themselves away in cubbies made of curtains, playing three games of Cluedo without an argument (two pounds fifty at the oxfam shop that game cost and all that was missing was instructions), reading, working in their sketchbooks and munching their way through a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut paste and several punnets of berries.

The writer in me was almost happy. The work had to be done, and I love my script, I just love it, and working on it always makes me feel good.

But at the same time, the mother in me couldn’t help thinking that my boys weren’t doing anything that they couldn’t be doing at home. And not only that, but here they were, cooped up in one small room, with no yard for soccer or cricket and nowhere for mixing mud potions with added stones. This isn’t broadening their horizons, it’s limiting them.

I don’t want to do everything. I just want to do what I do do well.

Anyhoo, I’d made a bargain with myself (and written in my diary, so I couldn’t back out), that I would find us a routine where I spend the morning working and in the afternoons, we go exploring.

So I got a few hours done, then off we went for a run in Holyrood Park and a fossick through Our Dynamic Earth. It was brilliant. Wonderful. And when, after carefully reading all of the information and pressing all of the interactive buttons, my little boy said, ‘Yes, but who is going to tell us where the first dinosaur came from’, I would not have been anywhere else in the world. And then we ran home around – but not up – Arthur’s Seat and my goodneess me, they are thistles over there, and the crag is gorgeous and that grass really does wave in the wind and now our umbrellas have blown inside out, and how lucky are we to be seeing all this?

So I don’t know. What’s the answer?

Because one moment, those two things, being a writer and being a mother are completely incompatible. And the next, they are a perfect fit.

I think I’m the only one spent July and August chasing grey skies

Writing earnest post, but wore myself out. So instead, here is a photo of the mister and the lads playing soccer in our Galician backyard the day after the mister joined us on our holiday. There’s sheep on the other side of the fence. (And not long after this was taken the mister and I were speaking civilly to each other again.)

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Central heating in August

Arrived in Edinburgh despite potent combination of Spanish air traffic controllers strike and budget airline. There’s a certain type of comaraderie you get from an airline that doesn’t allocate seats (I didn’t even know there was such a thing, but there you go, there is), a particular kind of jocularity unique to such an experience. Would I exchange jocularity for an assigned seat? Well, I don’t know. You can buy a seat, but you can’t buy comaraderie.

Youse can stop being jealous of my Andalucian view now. I mean, our flat here is okay, and it does have some nice views of greenery and turret-like things. But it’s not Andalucia if you know what I mean. And August accommodation is extraordinarily expensive here. Really, for the money I’m paying I would expect a castle (with turrets), but welcome to Europe in August.

And rain. Oh, my goodness, the rain. We’re freezing and will be sick to death of the one jumper each that we brought with us. So, if nothing else, we have escaped the Abu Dhabi heat. Which is good. Very good. I’m probably the only one here who actually came for the rain.

I bought one of those USB internet sticks this morning. I asked a few dudes whether or not I could just use the one I bought in Australia and pay for a new account. They laughed in my face. I knew they would, but I didn’t expect them to laugh quite so hard. For some reason, it has installed itself in Arabic – I did buy this computer in Abu Dhabi, but nothing else has ever installed itself in Arabic. Anyhoo, I managed to negotiate my way through it, although it wasn’t without some anxious moments. Does anyone else feel edgey when they can’t get onto the internet? I’m quite concerned about myself in this respect. Also, how long will a gigabyte last? That’s how much I got with the package. One gigabyte. Could I update my podcasts, or will that chew through the bites to the giga?

My, but this is a beautiful city. Seductively so. Crags and castles on your doorstep. Boys are loving black taxis and double decker buses. Oh, and this morning, I saw a chap walking down my street and wearing a kilt. He really was. I tried to get a photo, but the camera battery was flat.

Holiday reading

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…

‘It’s as beautifully sad as a Paul Kelly song,’ I said to the mister when I went back inside to get a mid-book snack (dried peach) and refresh my cup of tea (green).

We’ve known each other a long time, the mister and I, and I could see him thinking to himself ‘oh, fuck’ and I could see him not saying, ‘Do you think that’s a good idea?’. Now, I don’t know what preparations the mister made for himself, but he was right. I was headed for a meltdown. Two days later I hit one of grief’s brick walls, which, for  days has left me paralysed with fear. I’ve got not parents. Fuck. It’s the worst I’ve been since Dad died (which, I note, was barely three months ago, so, you know, it’s to be expected and all).

Of course it wasn’t the book that caused the meltdown. I believe that my subconscious knows me so well that it lead me to pack my reading material carefully, knowing that the meltdown was building and would probably come at the end of a week’s holiday.

Which is all a long-winded way of saying that I went away for a week, and during that week spent a lovely morning reclining here, listening to the sea and reading Willy Vlautin’s The Motel Life. It’s been on my to-read pile for quite some time – I would have said around a year – but I’m almost certain I first heard him on The Book Show and ordered the book pretty much straight away (as an aside, I very often love The Book Show as I did the day they were interviewing Willy, but sometimes that show makes me so mad I can’t see straight – does that happen to you, or is it just me, I’d be interested to know).

The backcover blurb says, “Narrated by Frank Flannigan, The Motel Life tells the story of how he and his brother Jerry Lee take to the road when bad luck catches up with them.” That’s a pretty fair description. Then, because this isn’t a first edition, the cover – front, back, inside and outside – is peppered with quotes and snatches from reviews. “A hugely compassionate, wildly original road movie of a novel…”, “courageous, powerful, wonderfully compassionate, this is a very fine novel”. Actually, I think they’ve gone overboard on the quotes. I agree with most of them, I just think, ‘All right already let the book speak for itself a bit’.

My subconscious did an excellent job because for me, books like this are perfect for times like this. Not that I want to wallow, but “plaintive ballads” of books provide me a way of giving into it all. Of letting it be. Of getting to the heart of things. Without wanting to get all overly-romantic on you-all, my mum was something of a Paul Kelly song. Complex and fascinating and strong and vulnerable and flawed. It’s what’s made me mad at her when I was fifteen and what makes me miss her now.

And it’s what made me love reading this book.

Plus, I like stories about vulnerable young men who make my heart ache (that’s inherited from my mother for sure). I like writers who make us think about the spaces in our relationships and what those spaces mean. I like page turners of books that make you beg of the characters, ‘Please don’t do that’.  (Just now as I’m writing this, it occurs to me that’s what Vonnegut meant when he said “Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages” – though admittedly he was talking about short stories – but I’ve struggled to understand what he meant by that).

I was also reading this book in a way I’ve never read before and with a different awareness of writing than I’ve ever had. Because for the few days before we left on our holiday, I worked like the clappers to get the latest draft of my manuscript back to my editor. I’m at the fairly detailed editing stage, rather than the kind of structural things I’ve been doing until now. I am in no way comparing myself to any published writer, but I’m reading very carefully to see how experienced writers deal with different problems I know I’ve got.

It’s an exciting way to read.

For example, I was paying very close attention to the dialogue. I’ve got much more dialogue in my manuscript than I realised. Which is fine. As long as it’s good. And as long as it’s not punctuated with endless ‘stage directions’. Which mine was. So much biting of lips and flicking of hair. Oh, my. By the time I’d taken out all the flicks of the hair and the curled lips and the blinks of the eyes I’d lost about 4 000 words. Thank goodness.

Anyway, there’s lots of dialogue in The Motel Life and it’s good, and I see that it sits just nicely without endless decoration.

I think my writing style is what people often call ‘spare’. By which they mean (I assume) spare as opposed to ‘not baroque’ not spare as in leftover. So I was reading this book with a very strong awareness of that spare style – and I noticed that it has more dangers than I had realised. For example, “I turned on the radio, put a can of soup on the hot plate, and sat down at my table. I lit a candle I kept and ate”.

I reckon that last sentence is shit. You can love a book and still see that every now and then something doesn’t work. That sentence is clumsy and awkward, and made me stumble even though I was only reading to myself. But that made me think. Is it too pared back? Is it too spare?

Mostly though, as I was reading, I finally understood what a couple of people have told me over the last year (as they’ve been rejecting my new work). You can be a bit too enigmatic, leave too many spaces. You need to give the reader more. I wasn’t entirely sure about that, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. But while I was reading The Motel Life I ached for more about the relationship between the brothers. Not much more. But more (oh. I think we’re back at that Vonnegut quote again). Just a childhood incident here or there. Just a bit more reflection on Frank’s part about Jerry Lee as a person.

And then of course I fell into a funk – oh god, he’s got the odd awkward sentence, but all of mine are shit, what made me think I could write blah blah blah.

But then, I would’ve taken another sip of tea and moved on. I can’t have dwelled on it too long, because my overall memory of this book – no, I should be more precise about that – I should say that my overall memory of the experience of reading this book – is a good one.

Good. What does that mean?

It means I was completely absorbed and fully alive and knowing that life is hard but good.

Although, if it was me, if I’d had the final say, I would’ve ended the story two sentences earlier. Which didn’t stop me going to the bookshop when we got home and buying Northline.

Well, that’s a relief

After a few good days, I’ve had the blahs today.

They are to be expected, the blahs.

On the one hand, I feel the relief that everyone says you feel. I have time to myself again, the stress of the uncertainty has gone, and I feel like I can start making decisions again. I feel freedom. On the other hand, that freedom has come at the highest price a little girl can pay.

And so, in a way, I’m rather relieved that the blahs are back. The good days were starting to be a little disconcerting.

And listening to a lot of music

So, I was planning to be here:

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doing some more of this:

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it’s really not the weather for this:

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I’m not there, because there’s other things that need to be done.

Sitting mostly. Knitting. Cooking soup and casserole. And that thing you do at the stop lights on the late drive home.

I had something like a dream last night. I’ve had it before and I’ve been waiting for it this last week or so. It’s not a dream exactly. But a sense and a feeling. And it’s been following me around. It’s to tell me that everything will be okay. It’ll be hard. But it will be okay.

Saturday night

Because I was out last night, it’s the mister’s turn to go to the party (one day we’ll go out together again, won’t we?) so I am at home sorting my photographs. My digital photographs. My camera(s) download the photos in singularly-dated folders which is really a very awkward way to have photographs organised.

I have created a small number of large-ish folders and transferred the photos appropriately.

This is a most satisfying exercise. I highly recommend it. Now, I am backing the up onto CD-Rs. Whatever they might be. Round shiny things. That’s all I need to know, isn’t it?

All in all, it’s been a rather emotional day, and I’m quite enjoying the satisfaction of all this sifting and sorting.

One thing I’m wondering though: are we supposed to be printing out all these photographs, or will it be enough to have them on these-here CD-Rs?

PS In today’s The Advertiser there was a list of this state’s 150 most important people – I think because The Advertiser is 150 years old or some such. I’m not that great at counting (Amazing Race in-joke there, hilarious, no?), but on my calculations, there are 20 women and 2 Aboriginal people in that list. I know, what else should I expect? But really.